WHY

Why did you never tell me how you felt all those years?
Were you not proud of all I could do?
I know you worked hard all your life but what about what I did for you?
I gave up my life to do things for you.
Did you not care for everything I did for you?
I worried and cared for everything you went through in your life and yet when I went through something, anything you showed no compassion, no empathy.
What kind of love is that?
What kind of parenting is that?
What kind of grand parenting is that to show?
Why did you not write a single letter before the end to say you did love me at all?
Or at least a letter to your grandchildren?
Anything?
I am not going to do that to my children, my sister, or my grandson with my health right now.
Why is life so short?
Why did I not realize that so?
How come I did not seem to acknowledge that as much as I could?
Why did I work so much that I missed on so much of my girls’ lives?
Why am I not realizing that I am like my family before me?
We run around and do not see.
Why?
Because we do as we see in this life.
All I wish for is my kids do not get the “why’s” in life.
No more “why’s”.
More life.

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You Are Killing Me With Your Disease

I personally can only take so much in this lifetime. I have been through so much, as a child was enough but here at 48 I am personally done! Your alcoholism has taken a toll not on you but me also and I wish you would finally hit bottom and get help. I wish you would recognize there is a serious problem here. You have been sick on and off for two months and missing work at a great job and not seeing this. You have just been arrested for a DUI on your way to work extra hours on a Saturday. Do you not see this as a problem? You said you would help me and care for me a bit. I am in renal failure and scared to death. We have known each other for over 5 years and have been through thick and thin. Mostly with my health and finances, God has blessed above and beyond. Can you not see He is there for you giving you a hundred chances? He always does for us on this earth. But it is Satan that is taking you down deeper with him. You see Satan will make you dig deeper so when you are at your bottom you will never know and not be able to crawl back up. That is how evil works but that is now how good and love does. Please go for the good and love of God. You are killing me inside and out. I am barely surviving on my own when you are not at home for me to deal with regular everyday life. I need you to be at your regular self to survive what is left with my life. Please I beg you to hang on and dig yourself up from this bottom part of your life to God and get help, change your way of being, not for but for yourself overall. I need that for you. Just for you and for you alone.

I’m Back!!!!

It’s been a while since I have been on here. I am happy to be back. I need the encouragement that is for sure. Well, we all do in life!

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my mom and dad. I terribly miss them. There were unsaid words that should have been said prior to their deaths. I sometimes wonder what they knew or actually felt. But I cannot get my stomach tied up in knots everyday of my life. I cannot let my depression to control me again. And no it’s creeping on into my heart and soul and I do not care for it. It has much to do with holidays; as much of those who have lost a loved one can comprehend. As well as I have been worried about my health. Kidney Disease Stage 4. My kidney’s are not working well and it is all my fault. I have no clue why I am feeling as though this is a punishment for all I have done wrong or the people I have wronged. But that is crazy to think. Things happen to all of us in life. No one is perfect and no one deserves any pain and suffering of any kind.

I believe and trust my heart and soul in God. I know this is the enemy, Satan trying to ruin my strength and faith. But I am not letting that fool control me at all. I cry out to God to heal my heart. I keep myself occupied with faith television, as in movies on Amazon Prime to keep a focus there. That helps a lot! I believe in God’s love to cover and protect me no matter what happens. I know it sounds like I am rambling here but this evening I need to do this.

I moved to the city five weeks ago fro the suburbs, big difference. But I do love it ya know. I am trying find work and this challenge has not been the best for me. I need my own place out here. It is hard to share with my daughter and her boyfriend. Especially since they are expecting a baby in early January. Plus they need to get his room ready which is the room I am staying in.

So, as you all see I am burdening myself with stressing out, overlapping my brain too much. I must take things one moment in time, no freak out. Yes, I know I need a job, yes I know I need my own place. I am not a moron over here. But I do not need other people to add their stress on me. They do not need that stress either. We just need to take deep breaths, there is only so much we each can do. Someone seriously hire me ya know. Then things will work out a bit better ya know. God please provide as always. He always does. I have faith in that. I am truly thankful and grateful for all I have and what has happened to me. I will NEVER forget who has been there for me. But I sometimes feel so alone, yes I have my Lord and Savior Jesus but we need fellowship. These are things that get us through the troubled waters. Right now the waters are extremely wavy and we are needing to be cautious of falling overboard. God will provide.

Remember God loves everyone, please show His Spirit through by being kind to one another. And I mean everybody, every person. Think about it.

Enjoying My Life

Have you ever struggled with something in your life you thought you could never survive, let alone deal with?

Yes, this has happened to me numerous times and I am proud to say that I am surviving and keep on pursuing my dreams in life.

No one knows exactly what another person is going through in life. You seem to think you know but you do not. Telling a person who deals with anxiety and depression to just go out is not a way to solve their struggle in life. Therapy and medication and relaxation methods can help at times. But if you really want to understand a person’s mental illness, which is not a bad word people, go to nami.org or respectable hospitals such as; Mayo Clinic and John Hopkins.

Telling a person to leave their house who has a condition that makes it hard for them adds more stress to their recovery. This has happened to me. Through therapy and I still am going through therapy, I find ways to deal with small steps outside of my home. The past year I have been working with a great agency that is helping me and I am very pleased with how much I have improved. I still have things I want to change about myself but it’s all good, right!

I use Young Living Essential Oils and since sometime in May I have felt a difference in my body. The oils are a strong scent but rather refreshing and my diffuser is an amazing way to make me feel free and fresh in life. I am enjoying my life like there is no other. I truly thank God everyday for this.

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I thought I would share a bit from my life today and what I am learning about Young Living’s Essential Oils. There is so much I can share with you about the products. Please contact me on here if you would love to do a class. There is a way we can work it out.

But bback to my meaning of enjoying life, please do! Our life is so short, and know that I care for you and pray for you.

Good Night All!

Until next time….

Kathy…

You Are Possible

We need to remind ourselves that we are possible to do and complete things in life. It may take time but you can manage it. I promise you. I hope and pray that you have someone to connect with in life, whether it be family and friends. Life is too short to not try. I know that we all struggle with many things, trust me, I have a list so big you will never finish reading it.

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ComputerComputerMobile phoneMobile phone

These are the tools we use to express ourselves and put in important information.

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No matter what you are going through, you have some way to express it. You do not need to go out and buy a fancy journal. Start out with a writing utensil and paper. You can talk through your writing.

HAVE A PEACEFUL AND BLESSED WEEKEND!!

My Oils

We all have dealt with stress, exhaustion, and trying to keep up with daily tasks. Whether it is in school, with your household, or your job. I need to not let my stress control me anymore. The more it does my brain decides, okay Kathy let us get you back to depression, anxiety, and fear of your PTSD. Yes, I have those diagnosis’ but also OCD and Bi-Polar. I have been throgh many a dangerous way. Some by my fault and some not by my fault at all. It has taken me to the age of 47 and going back to college since last summer to get where I am. No, I am not perfect and that is fine with me. I have an amazing faith in God and know I will get through it all.

I was introduced to Essential Oils about 2 years ago. My friend’s mom did a raindrop massage. It really benefited me. I prayed prior to going to her home. I had no clue what the oils were doing to my body. I do not like to take medication. I know there may be some I am going to need and I hope and pray that one day I can get off some of them. Well, in May I went to a freind’s party. Yes, I actually left my house for an event! I was hooked! I am in love with the oils. This past month I have felt so much healing. I have a diffuser on right now with lavender and stress away. I honestly needed this today. I have used thieves on my heart when the family dog Xena passed away a couple weeks ago. It really helped. It amazes me that everywhere I turn I find another thing to learn. Another way to heal, For two years I haave been using peppermint oil for my headaches and migraines. I am even on less medication!

Oils Party

Just. Right. There.

The beauty was one of none other. It could not be made by a human being. It was just there. Just. Right. There. Close your eyes my friend. Yes. close them I said. Now, when we imagine things of beauty put yourself there. What do you see? Let us start with the sun is shining bright, the sky is a beautiful blue with high up clouds for your angel, tree’s are a perfect shade of green, the grass has no dead brown, it is the perfect shade of green. All yards are perfectly set with no mistakes. People are watering their yards if need be and the kids are out playing. Dogs are out for walks. Everyone is happy and pleasant. There is no hate or crime. Everyone gets along in this world. There would be no diseases and illnesses. Could this happen to our world? Or am I in my imaginary world that I wish I had to give to others?

 

I always had a vivid way of imagery in my life but getting it down on paper has been really hard for me. I hope one day to get it right! via Daily Prompt: Imaginary