Oh how this question seems to never go away from us sometimes? We tend to “hold on” to the past as for fear of the future, feeling like we cannot move on, regret, maybe wanting to go back to a behavior that is something you desire. In actuality it is the worst thing to do to ourselves by holding on. Now this is in regards to a bad relationship, a behavior that seemed “like fun” but caused such pain and anguish. In other words, sinful behavior. When it comes to losing someone to death, that is something else, please do not put that in this category, how and why they died. I would like to discuss that on my blog in the near future as it has affected me too.
But back to basics, today I was haunted by innocent words from my daughter in the past, “Mom why couldn’t you marry him instead of this guy?” Well, I was somewhat engaged to a con artist at the time (little did I know). But I had just found out some things about this person. It was taken lightly to me which caused a future of pain. But that day when my youngest asked me that question, we met a friend of mine at a restaurant. He is a good man. We all chatted, it was good. My head was all over the place. But I could never tell anyone why it never worked with that good man there, it was we were great friends and I fell in love with him, his generous heart, sense of humor, etc. I never told him or my kids. But when I realized that my friendship was in trouble, meaning I wanted more, I needed to back off. No I never said a word. My fault. Who knows what God wanted. But I was also depressed after my mom’s death and lonely. And that is how my heart was open to Satan, not purposely but that devil took my heart and used the con artist to take away what I loved the most, my family and friends, next to God. I was basically looking above myself watching this happen and not able to change it. I was in motion and ould not stop it, I could not talk for myself, think for myself, or be myself. That is what happened. I felt like I was in slow motion. It was horrible.
So this afternoon I heard my daughter’s innocence in my head speaking to me. It made me feel like I let not only both my girl’s down but reminded me of letting him down too, my friend that is. Watch your hearts and guard them. The time we seem to suffer the most is when the Devil takes and destroys us all.
1 Timothy 4:16 NKJV “Take heed to yourself and the doctrine. Continue in them, for in doing this you will save both yourself and those who hear you.”
I know that passage is in reference to our Ministry gifts, however the words “TAKE HEED” kept coming to me in this blog. But those two words that are in the Bible sure have a huge affect on me today, “TAKE HEED”.
I think it is time to forgive myself fully instead of “holding on” to these bad memories to discourage me.